Feeling appreciation: Learn how to show appreciation to your spouse in three simple steps and grow as a couple.
Showing appreciation to your spouse when you feel underappreciated, hurt, or even taken for granted can sound like a joke. I know, but hear me out. I want to help you learn how to show appreciation to your partner in three simple steps and discover how calling out the good in each other daily can help you grow as a couple and feel closer.
How to show appreciation to your partner
Wanting to feel appreciated, seen, and valued are real human needs that you as well as your spouse have, yet it is not always a given nor does it come easy.
Going through everyday life stressors, attending to the never-ending tasks and to-do lists of running a home, or having unresolved issues, can make it feel impossible to focus on the good in one another or remember why you decided to be together in the first place. Interestingly enough, when showing appreciation seems counterintuitive, it may just be what you need to help you feel more open toward each other.
More than thankfulness
Showing appreciation is a bit more than just being thankful, it is the experience of encountering joy and delight in someone else’s presence. It is an attitude that expresses “I am glad to be with you”. Feeling appreciation is an exercise, an intentional choice of reconnecting with what we value and honor in one another.
Modern neuroscience has shown that being appreciative helps us become more relational and receptive to connecting with loved ones, welcoming affection, and deepening our bond. The act of “being with” while expressing gladness is the experience of being appreciated and showing appreciation.
When your brain registers the “sparkle” in your spouse’s eyes about you, it recognizes that someone is glad to be with you and the thalamus releases dopamine. Isn’t that amazing?! Your body knows and takes in the experience of being appreciated causing you to feel closer.
‘Calling out the good’ in each other daily
Learning how to show appreciation to your spouse can help increase joy capacity and resilience in your romantic bond, which will certainly come in handy when facing inevitable conflict. Cultivating a deeper bond through appreciation can help you repair and reconcile after an argument more readily and shorten the periods of disconnection.
The following three simple steps on how to show appreciation to your partner can be practiced daily. All that is needed is finding a few minutes of uninterrupted time. If a daily practice seems too much, aim for at least 3 times a week.
1. Recall.
Take a moment and think of a quality that you appreciate in your spouse or that has brought the feeling of being joyful, peaceful, connected, or accepted. As the memory of when you experienced that quality comes to mind, give it your full attention for 2-3 minutes.
2. Connect with your body.
While focusing on the quality, try to remember what you saw, heard, smelled, touched, or tasted at that time. This will help you to fully connect with the memory.
What emotions or sensations do you notice in your body as you connect with the memory? Is there a tingle, a release, or a temperature change? Perhaps there is a feeling of calm, or excitement. Where does gratitude or the sense of appreciation for that quality "live" in your body?
For a few breaths notice any body sensations and then write them down on a piece of paper. This helps integrate the feeling of appreciation from the memory and will help you come back to it later.
3. Share it with your spouse.
Take a couple of minutes to share your appreciation with your spouse. The following example is a guide, feel free to share it in your own words. Remember to look them in the eye as you share.
“I appreciate when you _____ (or that you _______) because I feel_________”
Ex. “I appreciate your sense of humor because I feel safe when we laugh together.”, “I appreciate when you go grocery shopping with me because I feel cared for”. “I appreciate that you are respectful and kind with older adults, I feel proud of you and trusting every time I see it”.
Learning how to show appreciation to your spouse may not come easy at first, but with practice, it can become second nature. When you intentionally decide to focus on what you honor and value in one another, you will be fanning the “sparkle” of connection that can help you keep the flames of your love alive.
References
Brown, A. (2021). Journey Groups: Level One: A Relational Discipleship Experience. Deeper Walk International.
Appreciation exercise adapted from example offered in person by Margaret Mason, LCPC, BC-DMT (2017)
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I hope this information inspired you to want to call out the good in your spouse. If you would like to improve your communication and learn more about how showing appreciation can help you draw closer to your spouse when distance arises, read how I can help here.
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